Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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