just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I wear drunk well.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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