Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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