you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
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No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
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Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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