you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
