Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
