Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Randomize
