You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
How does one acquire holy water?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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