I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
