i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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