Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
