remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
