u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
