I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
