When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
sarcasm needs its own font
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
