My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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