This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
