I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
