I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
