I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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