Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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