I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
