i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
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Even my vagina gasped.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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