How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
