I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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