Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Randomize
