Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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