My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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