Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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