Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
