This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
