omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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