What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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