just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
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