Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
as a side note pls kill me
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
