I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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