It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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