I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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