Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
