bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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