I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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