I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
