i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
