I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
