Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
