just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
