mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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