Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
