He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
