He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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