saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
