hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Randomize
