She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Randomize
