Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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