I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
