evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
