this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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