Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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