when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
what day is it and did you see me today?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
